They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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