So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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