dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
