oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nicole vs. Life
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
