The maid of honor just puked.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
