I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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