I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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