oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
