I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
