Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
