so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
