I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
