If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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