i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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