That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
