If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
