my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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