dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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