apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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