I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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