i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
if only i could text you this smell
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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