So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
