no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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