we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
