I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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