Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And then my night got REAL pukey
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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