My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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