it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
