he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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