you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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