Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
