Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
