Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
