I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
