two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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