Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I need moral support for this bender
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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