who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
