my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
