Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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