OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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