i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
