We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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