I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
