woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
