Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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