If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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