stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
