It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize