dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
