i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
