i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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