I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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