I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
