Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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