the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
