Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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