I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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