im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
