Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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