Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
