when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
