my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
