Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i need some magic done to my vagina
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
