my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
