Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
