Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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