Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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