the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
