Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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