Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
