and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
