Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
