You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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